I breathe…

I breathe.

Through the shards of my heart in my veins,

I breathe.

Through the icicles of rage in my blood,

I breathe.

Through the thuds of fear in my head,

I breathe.

Through the sand of unspeakable words in my mouth,

I breathe.

Through the flames of angst in my core,

I breathe.

Through the jitter of panic in my arms,

I breathe.

Through the rip of fatigue in my back,

I breathe.

Through the stones of despair in my legs,

I breathe.

I breathe.

I breathe…

Dear Ed, I am learning not to fight you

Dear Ed,

I am learning not to fight you.

She needs you. You are her suffocating safety blanket. She needs you to protect her beautiful core self from the world that seems confusing and dangerous. It is impossible for her to love herself and to let us love her. It doesn’t matter why it happened; what matters is how to help her connect to the world and to her beautiful core self; how to help her find her voice and use it to help herself.

It is hard for her to believe she is a beautiful, sensitive, caring person. You have made her do and say awful things. You have persuaded her she is not deserving of love and care. And when others around her get angry and upset, it proves your point. You won’t let her trust anyone. You won’t let her explain anything, you tell her it would be a betrayal. She can’t betray you, she needs you. I imagine you to be an extremely possessive boyfriend – hence Ed (or may be you are Anna, a cruelly protective female?)

I would like to ask her:

– Why do you need Ed?

– What purpose does it serve?

– What does it do for you no other being seems to be able to provide you with?

There is nothing wrong with having an eating disorder. It is possible to learn to live without it.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi

Yours never,

The Kangaroo Mother

Dear Ed, this is not for you – again

Sunshine,

I would like to share with you where I stand at this time of our lives.

Values:

Honesty. Courage. Trust.

Motto:

‘Show up, pay attention, tell the truth without judgement and don’t be attached to the results’ (Carolyn Costin)

Aim:

Unconditional love

I am here for my family and will never give up on any of you.

I love you.

Mama

P.S. You are crying and screaming along some songs in your room again. I know you are scared, tired, hungry. And I am ready to help you – please let me do it. Your friend Ed has hidden your sunshine and you can’t get it back by yourself. I am here for you no matter what.

(I have slipped my letter under the door.)

Dear Ed, there is nothing special about you

Dear Ed,

There is nothing special about you.

There is nothing special about me.

There is nothing special about my child.

Terrible things can happen to anyone.

Bliss and happiness are illusion.

Suffering is reality.

Determined to eliminate suffering,

The Kangaroo Mother

Inspired by:

“There is nothing special about you. There is nothing special about Polly. Terrible things can happen and they can happen to anyone. Safety is an illusion. Danger is reality.”

Dr Peter Barr, a neonatologist and grief counselor

The fear of losing control and dealing with anxiety

Dear Ed, our relationship is destructivee

Dear Ed, our relationship is destructive. I hope you are having the worst time with me. I hope to destruct you.

Stages of my relationship with you:

  • Dismissing you
  • Denying you exist
  • Googling you
  • Fighting my D
  • Grieving over my D
  • Feeling sorry for myself
  • Fighting you
  • Fighting you more
  • Fighting… panicking… feeling angry… feeling sorry… feeling ashamed… fighting… panicking… angry… sorry… ashamed… fighting… panicking… panicking… PANICKING!
  • Fighting you anew
  • Writing letters to you
  • Learning about you
  • Learning about you more
  • Learning about my D’s relationship with you
  • Learning about my D’s relationship with you more
  • Developing understanding how you work
  • Developing skills how to fight you
  • Developing skills… fighting you by feeding my D… failing… developing skills… fighting you by feeding my D… failing… learning… fighting you… learning… fighting you… learning… fighting… fighting… fighting…
  • Hoping you are going away
  • Hoping… hoping… hoping…
  • Losing hope…
  • Realising you are back!
  • Learning more how to fight you
  • Getting in touch with people who are fighting you
  • Fighting you! Fighting you! Fighting you!

It looks like you don’t want to leave me alone. And I won’t let you rest until you are gone.

Destructively yours,

The Kangaroo Mother

P.S. These are wonderful fighters who won’t let you rest either

Eating Disorders Families Australia EDFA

Dear Ed, I won’t let her die

Dear Ed,

I won’t let her die.

‘Why won’t you let me die?!’ she whispered in her knees as I was trying to uncurl her and encourage her to face her breakfast.

I WON’T LET HER DIE! I am a selfish mother. I want to keep her. I want to tear my child out of your grip. I want her to know that love beats anything.

WE WILL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

Yours never,

The Kangaroo Mother

Dear Ed, this is not for you

Hello M,

I am sitting in a well-lit corridor of a children’s hospital ward opposite a small dimmed room Ed contained you to. I want to tell you so much, but Ed doesn’t let you listen, so I am writing.

I miss you. I have missed you for many years by now. I am afraid the life never gave me a chance to get to know you very well. I have been so busy building life for you that I have lost you on the way. When I thought we were living – finally! – Ed took my sunshine away. I’ll get you back.

Last night at home was hollow without you in the house. The dog checked your room, then lifted her head and questioned the emptiness with her sad eyes. The cat went in and didn’t want to stay – as much as her majesty dislikes us, she misses the warmth we bring.

I didn’t have to make vegetable ‘meatballs’ for dinner. There were just three of us at the table, the house felt huge.

I woke up at 5, thinking – what time did you ask me to wake you up? And then it hit me – someone else will wake you up…

I love you.

You need a lot of strength to do what you need to do. We’ll get there.

Your Kangaroo Mother who wants you to have a life